WARNING: talk of induction, meconium in waters and assisted delivery.
However, my overall birth experience has always felt superhuman, empowered and damn right fucking awesome.
LATENT PHASE & EARLY LABOUR
It was 4am on 18th May 2022 and I was woken up with some mild 'period pains'. I tried to stay in bed but my body knew that I just needed to get up and start moving. I accessed my 'Freya' app on my phone where I could listen to my breathing exercises and positive affirmations on a loop with beautiful calming music to help me stay relaxed. (This Freya app stayed active and open for the rest of labour - I loved it).
I left Danny (my lovely husband) in bed whilst I did myself a cup of tea and Chewie (my fluffy pup) and I walked for around 2 hours in the garden and around the house whilst listening to my music and breathing my way through some soft surges. I have a very vivid memory of green grass and warm rays of sunshine on my shoulders as I walked around the garden allowing baby to get into a good position. It felt divine.
I went upstairs around 2 hours later (6am) and told Danny (who was still blissfully unaware that labour had started and was asleep) that I did think in fact, labour had begun. He jumped out of bed within seconds and started rallying around after me. We had both researched labour and birth to the high heavens and he had taken part in all of the hypnobirthing and birth classes with me (online) so he actually matched my calm energy very quickly.
Funnily enough, it's my brother in law's birthday on the 18th May, and he had text me that morning to ask 'any sign of baby yet?' (in fact, he is the only person in the world that I would allow that question without an aggy comeback) and I sneakily replied 'nope, nothing yet'. Danny and I had decided that we didn't want the world knowing anything until baby was safe in our arms.
We called Lincoln hospital at around 8am as my surges had been pretty consistent since 4am (lasting 30 seconds to 1 minute, every 2-3 minutes or so). They asked us to come in for a check at 9.30am. I was monitored for 30 minutes and low and behold, the surges were very apparent on the reading and the nurse confirmed I was definitely in labour. She asked 'can you feel those?' to which I replied 'yes?' and she then asked 'and you're okay with that? Do you want some pain relief?' This shocked me as I didn't quite expect to be offered comfort measures so early on as well as feeling as though the sensations were absolutely manageable. We decided to head home even though they had offered us a bed at the hospital as I felt more comfortable in my own space.
I remember Danny and I stopping off at Starbucks on the way home and my dad calling me. I was mid surge throughout a lot of the conversation having to hide the fact that I was in labour. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have answered the call as I didn't really need to be interrupted during this time but I managed to pull it off nonetheless!
We got home, I had a bath and Danny spent time rubbing my back as I was leaning over the bed. As the surges began to get stronger over the next couple of hours, it was around 2pm when we left home to go back in to the hospital, with nothing short of a mild panic from us both when they told us on the phone we'd need to go to Boston as they may not have enough beds! It was fine in the end and they made space for us. Like clockwork, my surges decreased in length and frequency and everything seemed to slow down. Another hindsight is, if I'd have stayed at home for longer, things may have happened quicker - but there are reasons for that!
I met my midwives (I had 4 in total) and was shown to a private room with a 'cracking view of the cathedral' - Danny's usual point in the story where he never lets me forget that the room we had was better than a hotel! The midwives read my preferences and started running me the water pool in the birth room (as I requested it). They monitored baby for an hour to get used to their movements etc and I was told that they expected baby to be very small as they can't seem to get a proper reading of them. Only 2 weeks ago, I had an emergency scan as the midwife thought they were too big... go figure?? Albeit, everything seemed to be going, kind of, to plan.
So, a knock goes at the door which is the beginning that changes all course of action, as I am bouncing on the birth ball and it's one of the other midwives asking if 'my lady can have your lady's birth pool. She's not ready to give birth yet but wants it for relaxing'. Oh. My midwife then called over to me asking if it's okay if the other mum in question can use the water in the pool... that was just ran... for me? Also adding that whilst I was being monitored, it wouldn't be possible to get into the water. My initial response was 'absolutely not' as I was super gutted to be missing out on the pool, but I instead said, 'yes, she can have the water as there's nothing I can really get out of it at the moment'. I felt like I was put into a difficult position here that I wasn't in control of and did feel a little angry about being asked questions whilst I was labouring. However, part of my toolkit that hypnobirthing had given me was to use BRAIN when being faced with these types of scenarios, to which Danny and I took back control of a non water birth environment.
ACTIVE LABOUR
I spent the next few hours moving around the room finding comfortable positions, spraying my damp flannel with the most delightful stress-free zone spritz EVER that I could place over my face, inhale and let my body melt into labour in the most natural way that I could. One of my midwives had made up a specialised room diffuser of my favourite scents which was both refreshing and relaxing, my labour playlist was on and we had my affirmations pinned up around the room. Danny was counting my breathing continuously and really felt present in labour with me which I loved. I used this time and the entire rest of the labour to try and visualise my birth, what would be happening within my body at every given moment and deeply feeling it all too.
Although baby was busy doing their thing once again, the midwives were concerned for their size and heart rate as the foetal monitoring wasn't picking anything up, so made it obvious that to be safe, midwife said baby needed a clip attaching to their head that was connected to more specific monitoring. That meant going internally into my cervix, breaking the waters and attaching the clip. BRAIN questioning came in here once again which was really important as we ideally wanted for my waters to break naturally however, to be safe in this moment and know that our baby was well, Danny and I decided that we would accept this process. This ultimately meant that I was being induced without the label (stretch and sweep) and at no point did any medical professional explain this to me which was disappointing, I won't lie. When the midwife broke my waters she noticed meconium (baby's poo) in them so this was even more of a reason to keep me monitored as meconium can increase the chances of infection. Frustratingly, this intervention was a bit of a setback for me and for 4 hours, I had 'barely made progress' according to the medical team. They had to attach the clip 3 times to baby's head as it kept falling off. Multiple interventions had been made and this continuous interruption of labour had really pulled me out of my zone. The next 7 hours were also slow going and during this time, I had more internal examinations and was told that I was "still only Xcm dilated". Side note: language matters! And to me, progress was absolutely still happening regardless of the commentary!
Fast forward!
TRANSITION
It was 11pm and I was laying on my left hand side on the bed, and I felt something drastically change within my body. I'll admit it felt totally natural. The pressure, intensity and power sort of rose within me. I mentioned it to my midwife who questioned it slightly saying 'you'd know if you were transitioning'. Well I certainly knew something was different! My body was doing it's own unconscious thing, and you know the feeling you get when you throw up and there's nothing you can do about it? This was that. But the other way. The expulsion reflex. I'd read about it. I was certainly making involuntary deep, guttural noises (although they were coming right from my diaphragm) that I instantly felt embarrassed about making but there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. All of the muscles in my stomach, tummy and back were activating, contracting in the most intense way possible and I just knew that my body was going to handle this, like a boss.
For the next hour and a half I asked for the gas and air to support me through the powerful sensations and went into a complete zone. It's actually a bit of a blur from around 6/7pm when my midwives swapped shifts so I know that everyone was respecting my wishes around this time. I was confidently positioned on my knees leaning over the back of the bed (whilst being attached to lots of monitors and wires) and Danny was with me every step of the way. Holding my hands, breathing with me, counting my breath, making sure I was cool enough, that the music was just the right tone at all times, assuring that I was hydrated, had eaten and I had peed enough! He even had time to dot the room with tea-lights coming into the early hours of the morning as the room had started to darken. We asked for as little light in the room as possible.
As the time approached 1am on the 19th May, a midwife enters the room and performs an internal exam claiming that I am now '10cm dilated' and that I am 'going to have a baby'. I felt like at this stage I wasn't able to give full consent to internal exams and to any other big questions regarding labour and all I wanted was to get baby out safely as I was definitely exhausted after 21 hours of surges. It was also at this point where I think I turned to Danny and said 'I can't do it' (some might say this was actual transition/transformation, but I believe I had been in transition for longer and perhaps it peaked alongside exhaustion here) and he encouraged me like the cheerleader he has always been, telling me how proud he is of me and how in awe he felt of me watching me to get this far. This absolutely gave me the motivation to carry on. Danny advocated for me as much as possible where he could but with so many interruptions into labour meant that I had to be aware of my surroundings almost at all times, ultimately slowing down the release of birth hormones that were going to be crucial in getting baby out.
THE BIRTHING STAGE
Back up - after the midwife told me I was ready to 'push' (ahem), 3 more midwives appeared as well as a surgeon (obstetrician), a student midwife, an anaesthetist and a paediatrician. It all seemed to up the anti and became very fast paced and urgent. My main midwife told me that I needed extra intervention with the ventouse and so I needed to change position. I have to be honest here, I wasn't happy about this and I did make it known that I was not comfortable birthing on my back. However, BRAIN was useful again here as I needed to weigh up which was going to be safest in this moment for both baby and I. Not the easiest decision to make as baby was already coming into the birth canal but I agreed. I was told that an episiotomy might be necessary to allow for baby to be born easier, as they were struggling to come out due to low heart rate and exhaustion.
After telling everybody to all 'fuck off' so I could birth my baby how I wanted to without further intervention, (sorry not sorry) I, slightly regrettably, listened to medical staff coaching me to push, and after around 5 big surges, my baby was born at 1.30am! They had the cord wrapped around their neck so that was sorted before placing them onto my chest and we heard their voice almost immediately which was the most wonderful sound. I did tear due to the forced pushing which was my worst fear, however, I can honestly say I did not feel a thing alongside labour. The midwife asked Danny to do the honours, as part of our preferences, to see what sex baby was to which he saw a swollen labia and the umbilical cord and called out 'We've got our Ted, it's a boy!' before the midwife said 'erm, nope, try again' to which Danny immediately said 'oh shit, no it's a girl!' which made the entire room burst into laughter.
We were both super emotional, so proud of what we had accomplished and we couldn't stop kissing our healthy baby girl (and each other). She was here and she was safe and that was absolutely all that mattered. She even found her own way to my breast for feeding which was astonishing to watch!
BIRTHING THE PLACENTA
I had an actively managed third stage and birthed the placenta with an injection. This was not part of my birth preferences but as I had had a long labour, I changed my mind in the moment when offered the injection.
THE GOLDEN HOURS
So, the obstetrician was sewing up my 2nd degree tear (detail here, I did feel this being done but it wasn't a bother at all as I was already numb from the birth and they added another anaesthetic to help. Plus the fact, I had my gorgeous girl in my arms and nothing was stopping my high levels of oxytocin and endorphins now!) Danny and I had the next hour or so with our baby on my chest, before anyone touched her, weighed her and cut the cord. We named our daughter, Violet Alice, after my great grandmother, Lucy Violet Easthope and Danny's grandmother Alice Ridealgh. She was perfect with a strawberry blonde head of hair and deep blue ocean eyes.
She was a tiny 5lb 8oz - which was the exact weight of me when I was born too! Magic.
We facetimed both sets of grandparents who loved being woken up with this beautiful news and sobbed down the phone from such a gorgeous surprise!
I stayed in hospital for another day and night and was taken down to the ward where I had some support with breastfeeding. No chat from me about tea and toast here because controversially, I didn't think it was all that great! We saved my appetite for when we got home as a family the next day and had fish and chips with our best friends. Delightful.
REFLECTION
Even though my birth plans changed, I am so proud of how I birthed. Yes things would be different if I was to do it all over again but I trusted in my body and listened to what it was telling me in the moment. I want to take a moment here to absolutely give credit to all the medical staff where due. They were supportive and acted in mine and baby's best interests even if they coached me to push (not cool) and I thank them for delivering our baby safely and looking after me throughout. My hypnobirthing toolkit absolutely gave me the confidence to believe in myself, know my options and manage unexpected situations. I know that I know more now than I did then and I give myself grace for the decisions that I may not have felt in control of. I had the best support from my husband throughout pregnancy and labour and I would choose to do it all over again if I could. I felt untouchable, invincible and powerful, like a true goddess.
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